“I Envy You”

Thursday night is fighter practice and social night for my local SCA group.  I don’t fight, but I do socialize while Conall practices his fencing.  When we are at our winter site (indoors) I bring my lace or jewelry making supplies and do that.  When we are at our summer site (outdoors) I bring the puppy, which precludes bring lace or anything else to work on.

Thursday night has also started to be called “pie night” by Conall and me, and a few friends who know us.  After fighting for two hours Conall is usually ready for a snack so we go to a restaurant that sells desserts (among other things).  We don’t always get pie.  Sometimes we get soup.  Sometimes he gets a full dinner and I just sip my diet soda.  Sometimes, we get pie.  But we’ve made the habit of calling it pie night.

Last week, I was talking to a friend, and Conall was finally done with fighting.  He was hungry, and ready to go.  My friend said, “Oh, that’s right, it’s pie night, isn’t it?”  I replied it was, and then she said, “I envy you.”

My first thought was to invite her to come with us to the restaurant.  “I’d go, but I’m watching what I eat.  I want to lose a few pounds.  My pants have gotten too tight this week.”

I didn’t say anything then.  In fact, I didn’t know what to say.  She envies me because of the perception that I can go out and get pie every week, and not care about my pants becoming too tight.

There are so many things I’d wanted to say, but were inappropriate to the venue.  Also, I don’t even know where to start.  I started this whole journey to accepting myself because no matter what I did, I couldn’t lose weight.  I got tired of starving myself and exercising incredible amounts, and still being the object of scorn and ridicule.  I eventually started to accept myself at whatever size I am without being condemning of myself (much — hey, it still happens occasionally) because what’s the sense of hating myself?  If I’m going to be this size no matter what I do, no matter how much or little I eat, then why hate on myself and hide myself?

But to find out that somebody envies me because I can eat what I want, when I want?  That’s something I really have to adjust to.  And something I wish I could help my friend understand.


15 Responses

  1. Too bad more people…& women in particular…just cannot understand & accept that we can ALL eat whatever we want. We really can, folks, & we will not be struck by lightning for doing so. I have been living this way for over 30 years now & not one single lightning strike.

    • I live in Colorado, and while I’ve not been struck by lightening yet, this state does have the most human lightening strikes of all states. I’d rather not use that analogy (tempting fate and all that), but yeah…

      Eating what I want (whether it’s pie or a banana or a half sandwich of some excellent liverwurst) isn’t going to kill me. Despite what people may think.

  2. I’m still working on this. I too, envy people who can eat whatever they want and not feel guilty. I admire your efforts and I applaud you for sticking with it.

    Good luck!

    • Thanks, some days are harder than others.

      It’s still a journey, and sometimes I do become upset with myself for eating something “bad”. Then I just have to remind myself that there is no “good” or “bad” food. Food is just food.

      When I stop making food about morals, it becomes a lot easier.

  3. I envy you too, but not because of your comfort level with food. I never found anyone to hang out with in the SCA who wanted to do much more than get drunk and/or cause drama. But I miss going camping in my viking clothes and pretending I was part of something. Oh well…

    Pie night sounds awesome, and I hope your friend decides to join you one day.

    • What Kingdom do you live in? I might be able to hook you up with a group of people who like to do things other than party. 🙂

      I know Master Liam. He knows everybody in the SCA it seems. If he doesn’t know everybody, he knows somebody who knows them. 🙂

  4. (perks up) Lace? You make lace? What sort? I’m a bobbin lacer. In fact, I made all eleven yards of lace for my wedding gown, back in the day.

    Also, pie night sounds awesome, whether you’re eating pie or not.

    • I do needle lace, reticello, drawn/pulled thread embroidery, that kind of stuff. Kind of the pre-curser to Hardanger.

      I watch people when they are making bobbin lace and just admire them so much. You made eleven yards of bobbin lace? Wow!

      I am seriously impressed!

  5. Argh, that’s hard. I some of that with the chocolate bowl at work — “Lucky you, having chocolate every day!” Um, I don’t have chocolate every day. I don’t want chocolate every day. But that’s partly because I don’t care whether I eat chocolate every day. (When I would tell myself not to eat chocolate? I’d want it all the time.)

    So yeah, there’s the “Do I want to try to explain intuitive eating?” question to deal with.

  6. I enjoy reading your post, keep posting like this informative article, I’ll be back to read your next posting :). Thanks

  7. Statements like that piss me the hell off, mostly because they come from my friends, who should know me better then that. If it comes from a stranger, I can usually ignore it, but from someone close to me? Not so much.

    One of my friends and I used to go out to maybe once a week. We’d usually spend the day shopping/hiking/playing video games, and we’d both be really hungry so we’d go to a restaurant. When our food came, she ALWAYS proceeded to PICK AT IT FOR LIKE A MILLION YEARS and hardly eat any. She’s what I call a Secret Eater; she only eats what she wants and however much she wants when she’s totally alone and is sure nobody will catch her. She tells me she envys me because I don’t feel self conscience about eating in public. I’ve told her several times that it’s not a matter of not feeling self conscience, but a matter of being self centered. If somebody thinks that the Fatty at table 7 is gross because she’s cleaning her plate, that’s their problem. I’m pretty sure most people are too involved with their own selves to notice what other people are doing anyway, just as I am. (Unless the person at the next table is doing something *actually* gross, such as picking at their feet, which for some reason happens around me a lot.)

    I don’t go out to restaurants with her much anymore. 😦

  8. Good for you! I eat what I want, too. For me, diets lead to obsession which leads to thinking about food in an unnatural way, which leads to–eating too much. It took me awhile to get here, but here I am:)

    There’s a woman I work with, whose last day with us is this Friday (she’s being transfered to another location), and of course we’re having a little party for her. I overheard a couple of my very young coworkers smirk, “we should all bring salads.” This was a mean joke about this woman’s weight, and the fact that she seems to eat what she wants. The remark really ticked me off, it’s abolutely none of anyone’s business!

    I’ve never been here, and I’m ranting. Sorry. Good morning!

  9. Maybe she envies you because you have confidence and love for yourself, no matter what you eat. That’s a journey, and not many people have learned it. Diets are often much like punishment for being a bad person who ate unhealthy food.

    • Yesterday my therapist asked me what kind of a life journey I was on. I didn’t have the answer for him.

      But I think, if he were to ask me that today, I’d be able to tell him one of the heart, of self-love.

  10. I make lace too! Bobbin lace for me 🙂

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