Thursday night is fighter practice and social night for my local SCA group. I don’t fight, but I do socialize while Conall practices his fencing. When we are at our winter site (indoors) I bring my lace or jewelry making supplies and do that. When we are at our summer site (outdoors) I bring the puppy, which precludes bring lace or anything else to work on.
Thursday night has also started to be called “pie night” by Conall and me, and a few friends who know us. After fighting for two hours Conall is usually ready for a snack so we go to a restaurant that sells desserts (among other things). We don’t always get pie. Sometimes we get soup. Sometimes he gets a full dinner and I just sip my diet soda. Sometimes, we get pie. But we’ve made the habit of calling it pie night.
Last week, I was talking to a friend, and Conall was finally done with fighting. He was hungry, and ready to go. My friend said, “Oh, that’s right, it’s pie night, isn’t it?” I replied it was, and then she said, “I envy you.”
My first thought was to invite her to come with us to the restaurant. “I’d go, but I’m watching what I eat. I want to lose a few pounds. My pants have gotten too tight this week.”
I didn’t say anything then. In fact, I didn’t know what to say. She envies me because of the perception that I can go out and get pie every week, and not care about my pants becoming too tight.
There are so many things I’d wanted to say, but were inappropriate to the venue. Also, I don’t even know where to start. I started this whole journey to accepting myself because no matter what I did, I couldn’t lose weight. I got tired of starving myself and exercising incredible amounts, and still being the object of scorn and ridicule. I eventually started to accept myself at whatever size I am without being condemning of myself (much — hey, it still happens occasionally) because what’s the sense of hating myself? If I’m going to be this size no matter what I do, no matter how much or little I eat, then why hate on myself and hide myself?
But to find out that somebody envies me because I can eat what I want, when I want? That’s something I really have to adjust to. And something I wish I could help my friend understand.