Rubber Meets the Road

It’s easy for me to write about accepting myself and my weight, but it’s hard to do sometimes.

As much as I really do believe that I am not unhealthy just because I’m fat, I still have times of thinking about dieting.  Or exercising more for the specific purpose of losing weight.  Last night was one of those nights.

I’d had an extremely busy day, on my feet, doing things for almost the whole day.  Until 8:30pm last night, I had only 2 hours to sit, and part of that sitting time was driving to Sam’s Club.  Needless to say, I was tired and sore and stiff by the time I finally got to relax.

When I went to bed last night, my calves were burning, and as I was waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in, I was thinking about how I really needed to start doing yoga again.  Well, that led me to thinking about how much weight I’d gained in the past year and a half, and thinking about how I really should probably try and lose weight.  Since I was thinking about exercise, my mind naturally went to using exercise to do it.

I’d already established that I was going to start exercising two hours a day, starting today, before I realized what I was doing.

It’s so easy for me to fall into my old disordered behaviors, sometimes I do it without realizing I’m doing it.  Like last night.

Yes, exercise is good for me.  Restarting my yoga routine is going to help with the stiffness of extremely busy days.  But going into a detailed plan of how I’m going to exercise two hours, and exactly what exercises I’m going to do is not good for me.  That path leads to dysfunctionality for me.

The good thing is that I realized what I was doing before I got to more than just the planning stage.  The bad thing is that I reverted to old behaviors at all.

The end result though, is at the end of a long day when I’m feeling bad because I’m achy and sore and tired, that I have the capability to realize what I’m doing to myself, and I can stop it.   While I’m realizing I have a long way to go yet, knowing that I’ve come so far is a good thing.


6 Responses

  1. Indeed, you have come a long way! Good for you!

  2. Well done for recognizing an old pattern and getting out of it!

    I was having similar thoughts this morning (about how far I’ve come) when I headed out for my lunchtime walk and realized that the key has been in NOT setting any goals for myself. I don’t have to walk one step further or one minute longer tomorrow. I don’t have to walk at all tomorrow if I don’t want to…but chances are I’ll feel more cheerful and upbeat if I do.

    That was pretty mindblowing and it felt *good* to recognize that I’m slowly escaping that disordered thinking.

    It still gets me a good deal of the time, though. I empathize.

  3. You reverted to an old, worn path for a couple of minutes, then caught yourself and stopped.

    In my opinion, you get double points for that.

  4. I’ve been feeling very similar lately, what with the summer here and less clothes to wear to be comfortable. I catch myself wanting to do crunches to minimize my stomach thinking “well it’s not dieting!” Of course I’ve caught myself and resisted, but it’s been hard, this is what I’m calling my first FA summer and after gaining weight this winter that I lost when I was sick this fall and I gotta say, it’s HARD. You’re absolutely right, you can explain the rationality of abandoning that toxic dieting hell but actually putting it in to practice is harder than it you’d think.

    I think what you’re doing is really about all you can do. Sure, you had some of the old thinking, but those thought patterns weren’t developed overnight, they aren’t going to go away overnight either. The important thing is you recognized it was destructive behavior and put a stop to it. Good for you! The more you continue to stop the thinking when it happens the less likely you’ll be with time to have those thoughts at all (so I’m told anyway).

  5. I was having weight loss thoughts again myself today. The fact is, I have gained wait. Another fact is, it’s because chronic pain has incapacitated me to the point where any exercise attempt I make pretty much means I’m recovering for the next 4-7 days, in worse pain the whole time.

    I’m trying to get the pain under control, and if I can do that, I will be able to (I hope) resume what is normal activity for me: I want to do a yoga class a week, and take a few walks around the neighborhood. Nothing drastic. I can’t even do that, and it’s really killing my soul.

    I keep having to remind myself that I need to get well, and that whatever happens as a result of my unwellness is just that, rather than some failure on my part.

  6. *weight* Shouldn’t comment when I’m not fully awake!

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