From the movie Roxanne starring Steve Martin and Darryl Hannah in 1987:
C.D. Bales: [challenged to think of twenty jokes better than “Big Nose”] Let’s start with… Obvious: ‘scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she’s going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like… Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn’t mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it’s not the sizeof a nose that’s important, it’s what’s IN IT that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it’s goodbye, Seattle! Commercial: hi, I’m Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He’s got…
Everyone: [singing] The whole world in his nose!
C.D. Bales: Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa! I’d hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?
Dean: Fourteen, Chief!
C.D. Bales: Religious: the Lord giveth… and He just kept on giving, didn’t He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: it must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee… in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped.
Lately, I’ve had an inferior quality of trolls come by my blog. Normally, I don’t pay them no nevermind (southern for they ain’t worth my time) and I just delete their drivel after making sure they really are the troll I think they are. But lately, they bore me.
I mean, really, if you are going to come to my blog, and insult me, at least have the decency to be creative about it. Telling me that I’m fat? Old news. Telling me that I shouldn’t be eating because, you know, I’m huge as a house? Ho-hum. Telling me that I should be exercising instead of sitting on my butt all day eating (or it’s corollary, I shouldn’t sit down at all until I loose weight)? Boring.
It’s been done. It’s so last millennium. Heck, high school girls in the mid 90’s had more imagination than what I’ve been seeing in my blog lately. They had (a type of) style, daring, a reckless attitude one just can’t help but admire. After one got out of the way of the car they were using to try and run over one, while shouting “You need to call 1-800-whatever-the-telephone-number-for-Jenny-Craig-was-at-the-time,” that is. Oh, and they got extra style points because I was on my daily four mile walk at the time.
Or the alleged men, also in a car, who also get points for creativity and style when, on a different four mile walk, they called to my then-husband that he should put a wide load sign on my ass.
See, these examples are creative! If you are going to harass me, do it right!
I mean, sheesh. Y’all are being outclassed by a 77 year old woman (my mother in law) who just Thursday, while in Sam’s Club, decided to “tease” me about my weight. My mother in law can’t walk far due to complications from a stroke, and so was in one of the complimentary carts. She was riding along, not paying attention to where she was driving, and almost ran into me three times. Each time I told her to watch where she was driving, because she could hurt somebody with that thing. Her reply? “Oh, I’ll only run into your butt. No big deal, it’ll just rebound me off you and push me back a few feet!” Har har har! But see, she gets creativity points because that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that insult. (And don’t worry, I did make sure she understood, right then and there, how inappropriate that was.)
So, if you want to troll this blog, I can’t stop you. I can (and do) make sure your comments never get past moderation though. But for Pete’s sake, if you are going to take the time to harass me, at least make it worth both your time to write it and my time to read it.
Cuz, yanno, after the first million times hearing how fat I am and how I need to lose weight, if I’ve not figured out that 1) I’m OMG!!!111!!!! FAT!!!111!!!! by now, I never will, and 2) no amount of you assuming I do nothing in a day is going to change the fact of how much I do.
Filed under: Uncategorized |