If you are going to insult me, I’d like to see some creativity, please.

From the movie Roxanne starring Steve Martin and Darryl Hannah in 1987:

C.D. Bales: [challenged to think of twenty jokes better than “Big Nose”] Let’s start with… Obvious: ‘scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she’s going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like… Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn’t mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it’s not the sizeof a nose that’s important, it’s what’s IN IT that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it’s goodbye, Seattle! Commercial: hi, I’m Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He’s got…
Everyone: [singing] The whole world in his nose!
C.D. Bales: Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa! I’d hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?
Dean: Fourteen, Chief!
C.D. Bales: Religious: the Lord giveth… and He just kept on giving, didn’t He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: it must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee… in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped.

Lately, I’ve had an inferior quality of trolls come by my blog.  Normally, I don’t pay them no nevermind (southern for they ain’t worth my time) and I just delete their drivel after making sure they really are the troll I think they are.  But lately, they bore me.

I mean, really, if you are going to come to my blog, and insult me, at least have the decency to be creative about it.  Telling me that I’m fat?  Old news.  Telling me that I shouldn’t be eating because, you know, I’m huge as a house?  Ho-hum.  Telling me that I should be exercising instead of sitting on my butt all day eating (or it’s corollary, I shouldn’t sit down at all until I loose weight)?  Boring.

It’s been done.  It’s so last millennium.  Heck, high school girls in the mid 90’s had more imagination than what I’ve been seeing in my blog lately.  They had (a type of) style, daring, a reckless attitude one just can’t help but admire.  After one got out of the way of the car they were using to try and run over one, while shouting “You need to call 1-800-whatever-the-telephone-number-for-Jenny-Craig-was-at-the-time,” that is.  Oh, and they got extra style points because I was on my daily four mile walk at the time.

Or the alleged men, also in a car, who also get points for creativity and style when, on a different four mile walk, they called to my then-husband that he should put a wide load sign on my ass.

See, these examples are creative!  If you are going to harass me, do it right!

I mean, sheesh.  Y’all are being outclassed by a 77 year old woman (my mother in law) who just Thursday, while in Sam’s Club, decided to “tease” me about my weight.  My mother in law can’t walk far due to complications from a stroke, and so was in one of the complimentary carts.  She was riding along, not paying attention to where she was driving, and almost ran into me three times.  Each time I told her to watch where she was driving, because she could hurt somebody with that thing.  Her reply?  “Oh, I’ll only run into your butt.  No big deal, it’ll just rebound me off you and push me back a few feet!”  Har har har!  But see, she gets creativity points because that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that insult.  (And don’t worry, I did make sure she understood, right then and there, how inappropriate that was.)

So, if you want to troll this blog, I can’t stop you.  I can (and do) make sure your comments never get past moderation though.  But for Pete’s sake, if you are going to take the time to harass me, at least make it worth both your time to write it and my time to read it.

Cuz, yanno, after the first million times hearing how fat I am and how I need to lose weight, if I’ve not figured out that 1) I’m OMG!!!111!!!! FAT!!!111!!!! by now, I never will, and 2) no amount of you assuming I do nothing in a day is going to change the fact of how much I do.



13 Responses

  1. 1-I love that scene in “Roxanne”

    2-damn, you’d think they would get more inventive. All I can add to that is “duh, we’re fat, because we occasionally make the mistake of seeing ourselves in the mirror!”


  2. That scene cracks my shit up every time. I love that movie. Probably my favorite romantic comedy ever.

  3. *satisfied sigh* nothing like a big dose of sarcasm to start off my day!

  4. fabulous post. I have said this same thing for years. if you are gonna try and insult me do it with a little panache the whole “your fat” thing doesn’t hurt anymore. I call myself fat all the time. the more u use this word the less power you give it to hurt.

  5. “2) no amount of you assuming I do nothing in a day is going to change the fact of how much I do.”

    I love the way you’ve worded this! And I too miss some of the creativity when I read the same old boring drivel from folks who think that *I* am lazy and tell me so with the same old, dry and lazy, repetitive phrases. Come on “You’re a whale” is boring for one and for two, I LIKE whales, they’re awesome neat!

  6. Love Roxanne (or rather the original story it’s based upon, Cyrano de Bergerac). The nose diatribe (the original or its modern version) is classic!

  7. I adore Cyrano. I was that weird kid who read it all on their own because it was such a fascinating play. Now you’re making me want to go read it again.

    Sadly wit has been replaced by bright and shiny lights and things with lots of extreme. People can no longer afford two brain cells to think of a clever comeback. Instead they just throw out the same three arguments over and over quickly becoming another sheep in the herd.

    • Same here! I first saw Roxanne, and suddenly, I was blazing through the play. Fantastic.

      And sadly, I know just what you mean. I am one of the few people that comes up with dozens of witty responses, only to refrain from saying them because no one else would understand a word of what I was saying.

      Where are the lions amongst the lambs? I should make a forum for us.

  8. I got to see Kevin Kline do Cyrano de Bergerac and spent the whole time thinking “eh, Steve Martin does it better”.

    I was just reading that quote to my husband yesterday. I think it might be unfair to put up the quote as a challenge to your trolls though, Steve Martin is in MENSA. The man is literally a genius. Internet trolls tend to be the kind of person who set low academic goals and then failed to meet them.

    • I agree with serendopeity.

      I very nearly pulled a stomach muscle reading that last line.

      Kudos to you, man.

  9. “Internet trolls tend to be the kind of person who set low academic goals and then failed to meet them.”

    That made me spit my coffee all over my keyboard LMAO.
    But thanks for the new verbal weapon. I will add it to my “I refuse to enter a battle of wits with someone as unarmed as you” treasure chest for future sparring.

    Have a great day.

  10. “lol your fat”

    (Quote from the blog Shakesville, which pretty much sums up trolling.)

  11. Ah, trolls. You know, you are right, they just aren’t as chewy and tasty as they used to be in the good/bad old days! Are my taste buds jaded?

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