Some People Just Don’t Get It, Part Two

I’m a member of a few different message board sites.  I like the being able to connect with people in an old skool kind of way (remember BBS system of the late 80’s and early 90’s).  One of the message board sites I’m on has a rant section.

Recently, there was a rant by a person who was tired of people (men in this case) coming up to her and saying, “You be perfect if you just lost x amount of weight.”   She went on to discuss how she’d lost x amount of weight and more, and found that the men she was then attracting were even more jerks than the original “you’d be perfect” guy. 

The conversation got involved (as they do) and tangents got made (as they do), but one thing that happened was a guy who kept missing the point.  Part of the point the original poster was making was that if she was perfect, then she shouldn’t have to lose any amount of weight. 

The guy kept saying, “But what if she’s perfect in every other way than this?  Is it wrong of me to ask her to lose weight?”   As this is not a FA place, the responses he got was mixed between of course he had the right to ask (for her health if nothing else), and not in any lifetime.  He never could seem to get the concept that if there is something you dislike bad enough to try and get another person to change it, then that person isn’t perfect for you.

Everybody has their standards of what is aesthetically pleasing to them.  I don’t like people who are too skinny, men or women really.  I think the current trend of female movie and TV stars to be so thin you can count their ribs when you see them in a bikini is disgusting.  I know this is being marketed as the “healthy” look and the epitome of beauty, but it just turns me away.  Also, I’m not into people who are extremely muscle bound.  Arnold Schwarzenegger when he was Mr. Universe really was beneath the radar, but the same man in Kindergarten Cop, where he still had definition but not so extreme on the muscles I liked.  So yes, everybody has their own views, their own tastes, and don’t necessarily want to date outside of that.

But, and here is the point, if you really think somebody is perfect for you, but only if they lose x amount of weight, then they are not perfect for you.  Perfect means just as they are.  Perfect means you aren’t trying to have a project in a relationship.  If you want a project, learn woodworking. 

One person on that thread summed it up succinctly:  I would have NO problem with someone telling me that they prefer someone fatter/skinnier/brunetter than me. I would have a problem with someone saying “I prefer brunettes, would you dye your hair brown for me?” 

Rather than forcing somebody else to change for you (which will never work anyways, because if they did, they would just grow to resent you for forcing them to change) why not find that person who really IS perfect for you?  Find the person who has the right personality, the right mesh of ideas, values, hobbies, and who already appeals to your personal aesthetics?  Everybody would be much happier then, including the person who doesn’t have to hear “you would be perfect for me if you’d only lose x pounds.”


6 Responses

  1. I’d also suggest that if your standards are so inflexible regarding looks, that you may have difficulty staying in the relationship. Going back to hair, I’m now going gray, so I don’t have the same hair color as I did twenty years ago when I met my husband. He still thinks I’m beautiful anyway, but someone who was so fixated on brunettes that he’d ask someone to dye their hair for him might not be flexible enough to manage the changes age brings.

  2. Before I lost around fifty pounds people would always say ‘you’d be so pretty if you’d just lose weight’ for years. After I lost the weight people started saying to me ‘you’ve lost too much weight. I thought you looked better when you had some more weight on.’

    I kid you not.

    Its a losing battle to base your self image on what others think. And you will be very, very sad when you realize that you can lose all the weight, get bigger boobs, get the nose job etc but people will still find something wrong with you.

  3. There always will be people, who’ll find things wrong about you – fat, boobs, nose… And a relationship, where you have to struggle to stay physically “perfect” is not really something I’d call a relationship, and definitely not a happy one. Took me a while to understand it, too, and I know “losing weight to please someone” from experience. When I lost weight, my hair was not good enough, my make up or lack thereof, my breasts… then I went on birth control and regained the pounds… you can imagine that. Sadly, many women have this inner belief, that your partner has the right to demand such changes from you (but what he looks like, doesn’t matter).

  4. I’d also suggest that if your standards are so inflexible regarding looks, that you may have difficulty staying in the relationship.

    This, exactly. Part of being in a relationship is realizing that people change over time through no fault or intention of their own, and you have to be able to accept that.

  5. Wow this is so true, I have been in that situation where my fiance told me that he was totally in love me and could I just lose the weight so that we could get married. I with my total lack of self esteem said oh of course I will do anything for you.. and after trying and succeeding to lose weight and be what he wanted he still out of the blue dropped me saying” I just can’t see myself being able to wake up next to you in the morning and smile” apparently I hadn’t lost enough weight for him.

    What I learned. If you are asked to change who you are, they really aren’t THAT into you and they certainly don’t love you they love the idea of you and are only looking to find their idea of a perfect mate, they are focused on themselves only and not the relationship or you. This also means that they have put you on a lower level then themselves and in all reality they are “settling” because they just want to not be lonely, they are getting desperate. You don’t really want desperation do you? People like that will really never be satisfied and like I realized after it was over, I would have been absolutely miserable with him because honestly I already was. Always trying to “earn” someones love is a very crappy way to live. You are better off alone then with someone like that lol

  6. Yep. To all of the above.
    I tell men like that that they posess both a hand and an imagination, and that they should keep themselves busy with that because I won’t be doing it for them.

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